Sweet Little Dan
by Lonewritersclub
Summary: Phil realises he is attracted to boys. He also realises he likes them thin as Dan starts looking skinnier and skinnier each passing day. (Phan)
1. Chapter 1

Dan was standing in the dim lighted room, sitting on his bed and reading a book about human anatomy. He was tired of trying to find some kind of help from the internet, from people's tricks and tips which he wasn't sure if they were safe to use or even worked.

He had decided to start exploring the dusty looking human anatomy book that had been unused and -touched for God knows how long, in his bookshelf. He thought he might as well try to figure out some easy and fast ways himself by studying the human body. Could be that he would become a doctor after he was done searching, because the last few hours he had been reading the old book, he hadn't found yet any information for his problem.  
>Maybe he was reading the wrong book. Maybe he should buy or borrow a book about psychology after all, since he didn't own one himself.<p>

After two hours, he still hadn't found anything useful from his research and gave up. Maybe he wasn't meant to be thin. Maybe the universe was preventing that from happening somehow. Or at least making him go the hardest way. I guess starving is better than nothing. Even though they were exactly the same thing.

Dan got up and stretched his limbs. They had started to ache from sitting so long in one position. Perhaps he should start his diet by going for a run. Bet there's a park somewhere near their house. He had never really gone much out during his first months in London after he met up with Phil and became his flatmate. He was a bit afraid he might get lost and have to ask some creepy guy to help him get back to the flat and then (s)he would know where he lived.

He could have used the internet on his phone to use a map, but his phone was broken currently, which was terrible for him, because he didn't like missing calls like that. And he definitely wasn't going to bring the huge map of the world they had, with him outside. He probably wouldn't even be able to find the streets of London from it. Only seas and countries.

Dan huffed and ran his hand through the dark brown locks of hair and pushed his fringe that came all the way to his left side of his face, next to his eye, aside for a second. He wandered off to the lounge where he sat heavily onto the sofa. His laptop was placed next to him and he opened the London map from there and tried remember the street names correctly so he could go out and then come back home after the run instead of getting lost.

When he was done with that and dressing up, he yelled to his flatmate Phil that he would be back in a while. Phil came out of his room and gazed Dan up and down in the hallway for a moment.

"Are you going jogging or something? To the gym?" Phil asked bewildered while leaning next to the doorframe.

"Yeah, at the park", Dan answered simply and nodded his head. He then took his keys with him and opened the door, stepping out of the flat.

"See you later!" he quipped before shutting the door behind him and heard Phil say the same back. He run down the stairs, the many, many stairs instead of taking the easy way out, the lift.

Once down he began to run immediately towards the park. It was already getting dark and he didn't like to be alone in the dark, outside even if there were street lights on. He just felt uncomfortable.

An hour or so went by and Dan was breathing his lungs off and glistening lightly with sweat that made his shirt and collage pants stick to his body. He counted how much he had run and came to the conclusion of twelve kilometres. That was pretty good, wasn't it? For him it was at least. He ran back home after calming his breathing a little.

He hit the shower after drinking loads of water, and let the warm water cascade upon his body. He relaxed in it and let his thoughts make him think that he had done something right this time and he was heading in the right direction.

He dried himself off and put on his white, t-shirt and underwear, ready to go in bed even though it was only nine o'clock in the evening. Phil had only just ordered dinner for himself, when Dan told him he wasn't hungry and in a few minutes he would be eating it too. Dan hoped Phil wouldn't leave any leftovers in the fridge, because he wasn't sure if he could handle the temptation to them tomorrow.

He pulled his duvet on him and tried to relax more so he could get some sleep and wished he wouldn't have anymore nightmares now that he obeyed the voices in his head. He hoped they wouldn't torment him this night now that he had done the best he could.

_This is also on deviantart, but don't worry I didn't steal it. It's because I am the author of this story in there too. I mean that we are the same person if you know what I mean. If don't believe me, then you can always just ask her/him (because I won't reveal my gender to you yet ;D) about it, and he/she will confirm it, because it's me. _

_So anyway, I didn't know I could do Phan fiction in here, didn't know it was an option in the categories. But now I have, I hope you enjoyed. I've got more chapters ready._


	2. Chapter 2

Phil stood in front of the fridge and tried to decide what he would have for lunch. It would be easier to decide if he knew that Dan was going to eat too, so he could just use the leftovers of the pizza he had yesterday evening.  
>But Dan said he had already eaten before so he wasn't hungry. Even for pizza? I guess not.<p>

Whatever, Phil thought and just grabbed a few slices of the pepperoni pizza and heated them up in the microwave. Once they were ready he tucked in and watched the X-Factor UK at the same time.

Dan came from his room, saying he was done editing his video finally and flopped onto the sofa and began watching the show with Phil.  
>They commented on the auditions and the professional singers' expressions as they had to listen to the others. Most of it was just horrible. But there were some extraordinary good singers that they praised.<p>

"Hey Dan, will you come with me and Chris to the pub tonight?" Phil remembered to ask as he finished with his meal. Dan was sipping on some ice water and stopped it abruptly from his question. Should he go? What if the temptations would be too great and he wouldn't be able to control himself? He knew that the drinks got a lot of calories in them, he would be only drinking water if he did go.

"Um... I guess I can", Dan mumbled in response and started fiddling with the hem of his black shirt. He had been, so to say, sober from food only for two days now. Having eaten nothing, his stomach was growling at him and made him have terrible hunger pains. But it would be nothing for what was about to come, because he had decided to fast for the next weeks too if possible.

"Nice", Phil said lamely. He was a bit confused about why had Dan sounded so unsure and kind of afraid, when he had answered. Was Dan alright or wasn't he just sure if he had any other plans for tonight? He didn't want Dan to cancel anything because of this, but he wanted him to come too.

"Well, I better go now. I'm going for a run now if tonight's going to be all about partying", Dan announced suddenly and stood up from the sofa. Phil rose his eyebrows at him, wondering what had got into Dan? His behaviour had changed from basically being a couch potato to a sporting maniac.  
>He was proud of him for trying to be more active, not like Phil himself did a lot of exercise or had an extremely healthy diet, but still. He wanted Dan to be healthy and happy. He knew that Dan wasn't very fond of his body, although there was nothing wrong with it. Maybe he was just trying to get more fit?<p>

Phil sighed after Dan had left the flat for his exercise routine. He had seen him go for a run this morning and yesterday's too. The sport bug had definitely bitten Dan.  
>Phil just hoped Dan wasn't going to exhaust himself completely from exercising too much. He didn't want him to harm himself.<p>

Phil sat on the sofa and turned off the television. He began thinking. Just thinking in peace after a long time just flowing with the masses of things to do and make. Taking a little time to concentrate on himself rather than the hecticness of his newfound life in the radio show he had with Dan.

He thought about Dan. About his feelings towards Dan. How he had changed after he had met Dan. How he was falling in love with Dan.

These days, Dan wasn't giving him much of his time, he spent more and more time alone in his room. Or who knew if he did have someone with him there without Phil knowing. Phil was slightly afraid that Dan had got tired of him and that's why he didn't spend so much time with him as he had before. Could be he is wrong, could be he is right.

He sighed again. He will never know if he won't ask. He knows he can't go on much longer not telling Dan how he feels. Every time his close to him, he just wants to touch and kiss him. To hold him close and show his adoration to him. Make Dan love himself too, because Phil knew, he could feel the hatred directed towards himself that showed from Dan sometimes. He would cringe and start to tremble, and making himself curl into himself and holding a pillow to his chest.

One time Phil had found Dan sitting in the lounge with a pair of scissors in his hand and nothing else. Dan had seen him then, looking scared and surprised and then had put the scissors away quickly. If that wasn't suspicious then he didn't know what was.

After three hours of Phil just wasting time in front of the tv and Dan running, showering and getting ready, they left to meet Chris at a nearby, homey pub.

The lads sat down around a wooden, rounded table and ordered some drinks from a waitress.

"What do you want, Dan?" Chris asked Dan who was looking down at his feet, deep in thought.

"Oh, um, just water, please", Dan said with a small smile and then casted his eyes to the table and began tracing the little cracks in it with his finger.

Phil and Chris looked at each other slightly dumbfounded. Dan was going to order water at the pub? Nothing else?

"What? Are you going to become completely sober or something?" Chris asked with laugh, but ordered the water anyway and two pints of beer for him and Phil.

"No, I'm just not in the mood for any alcohol and getting drunk", he answered lightly giving a little laugh.

"Yeah, yeah. You're just trying to behave yourself for the AA-meetings and brag how you hadn't had a drop this week", Phil joked. Dan tried to fit in and joked back and laughed like the others.  
>The evening went quite nicely actually. They had lighthearted discussion which got funnier as Phil and Chris drank more while Dan could just watch from aside at it and laugh.<p>

"How about some take-out, hum? I'm starving", Chris pointed out as the time went by and it was already ten pm.

"Me too. Does chinese sound good? There a good restaurant close by", Phil suggested and drank the last drops of beer in his glass.

"Let's go then."

"Um, I think I'm going to hit the bed already, it's a bit late and I'm really tired", Dan said when they got up and put on their jackets.

"What? But aren't you hungry? I know I am and I ate lunch unlike you", Phil noted, sounding worried and surprised.

"I did eat lunch and I'm going to eat something when I get home too. I'd love to stay, really, but I'm just really tired." He was. He felt like he was going to pass-out at any given moment. He should get home now, fast, but he wasn't going to eat. No way. He was starving, but that was normal. That's how it was supposed to be. Hunger meant that he had done something right at least.

"Okay, well we're gonna go now. See you later", Phil said and with a wave of his hand, Dan left the pub and went home.

With an empty stomach and a mind at ease, Dan let himself fall asleep under the soft, warm covers of his bed, hoping that tomorrow he would be as successful as he had been today.


	3. Chapter 3

Dan switched on his computer and began uploading his new video up on Youtube that he had finished yesterday. When it was done and up on his page, he already got three views on it in two seconds. Someone was eager.

Phil sat down next to him on the sofa. Dan watched curiously what he was doing. Phil was putting more cat stickers on his laptop in different places. Then he suddenly put one on Dan's hand.

"There you go", Phil said with a big grin on his face.

"Thanks", Dan laughed and looked at the little kitten, now stuck to his hand. "Looks great."

"Yeah...", Phil said, now sounding quite thoughtful and serious. Dan looked up to his face, his smile beginning to fade away from concern. What was Phil on about?

"Is everything alright?" Dan asked with a slight frown. Phil rose his clear blue eyes to meet Dan's deep brown ones in a firm look.

"I've something to tell you. I wasn't sure, when would be the right time or anything, but I've got to get it off my chest. I don't want to scare you or even make you doubt my friendship with you, because it's very important to me. You mean a lot to me Dan", Phil began.

Dan thought right away all the horrible scenarios where this discussion would go to. What Phil was about to tell him. Maybe he was annoyed from him and he wanted Dan to move away, or maybe he was leaving him. He never would want that. He couldn't let Phil leave him. To be honest with himself, he needed Phil more than anything else in the world. He would crash if Phil would be gone.  
>He might be even in love with him...<p>

"What is it?" Dan asked with a shaky voice and was starting to tremble from his whole body.

"Um... If you don't feel the same way, I don't want it to affect our friendship then, but like I said, I need to tell you how I feel and I want to know how you are feeling about it", Phil continued, sounding nervous now that there wasn't anything else to say more than the main point of this talk. The truth.

"Okay", Dan just stated, nodding his head at Phil to continue again. He fiddled with his fingers again.

"I think I'm falling in love with you, Dan. I know, uh, well I don't know for how long, but that's how it is. I've been thinking about it and I just can't get over it. I'm already in love with you. I'd like us to be more than friends." Phil kept his gaze directly pointed at Dan's eyes that were wide open and shiny.

Dan looked more than surprised. He wasn't expecting to hear that. Not at all. And he couldn't have been more happy about it.

"I understand if you don't feel the same way. Of course I'd be disappointed, but I can get through that. I think. Just please, Dan, tell me what do you think", Phil pleaded, getting ready for rejection and heartache.  
>And Dan did take a long time to say anything back to him.<p>

"I think our feelings match, Phil. I'm in love with you too", Dan said, he almost felt numb from the over crashing feelings he was having.

"Really? Really?! Why didn't you tell me before?!" Phil was absolutely thrilled to hear this and so very happy and excited.

"I guess I just realised it now, when you told me about your feelings. I can't believe it. I can't believe that you would actually love me", Dan said his voice full of emotion.

"Why would you think I couldn't love you? Who wouldn't love you? You're amazing!" Phil took a hold of Dan's hands and came closer to him so that their sides were touching each other.

Dan was so overwhelmed with everything he was hearing and feeling that it was almost impossible for him to answer back to Phil and his caressing.

"You're amazing, Phil. It says on your name", Dan told him with a smile, and wanting that praise badge getting off from him.

"But so are you too. Remember that, Dan. Oh God, I'm just so happy. Will you seal it with a kiss with me?" Phil asked, still a bit nervously, but excited for the most part.

Dan nodded coyly and leaning forward like Phil so that their heads were closer and closer. Dan lifted his face upwards a bit as Phil did the opposite that their lips now met, very tenderly. All the emotions were put in it and for the first time they both felt entirely happy and loved in their whole lives. Cold, but nice shivers flowed through Dan's spine and Phil's arms wandered around the younger boy, to hold him closer and tighter.

The kiss broke after a while and they opened their eyes with smiles plastered on their faces. "That was incredible", Dan whispered. Phil nodded back, but wanting more of Dan, he grabbed him and brought him to his lap. He kept his arms still around Dan protectively as the other rested his head on Phil's chest, closing his eyes and enjoying the closeness and warmth.

Dan couldn't have felt more content than he had before, now that he was in Phil's loving embrace, joined by sweet caresses and kisses there and there.

"This is the most fun I've ever had", Dan murmured to Phil, kind of as an inside joke, even though it was all around the internet. Phil remembered it, and hugged Dan tighter with a laugh and lifted him so he could kiss him properly and with passion. And Dan yelped as a part of the joke and kissed Phil back.


	4. Chapter 4

Dan pushed himself off the floor with a gasp. His joints were cracking quite loudly this time and he was feeling a bit light-headed too. He rubbed his lower back that had began aching from being in such bad posture for so long with a hiss. He had only been reading there for an hour, but I guess that was too much anyways. He had been really caught up with the book, "The Fault In Our Stars", that he had neglected his body's screaming.

Phil came into the lounge and frowned at Dan's odd behaviour. "Is everything alright?" he asked and came closer to Dan. He took a hold of Dan's forearm and made him look up at him whilst examining him from head to toe with his intense gaze. "I'm fine", Dan huffed not really liking the attention that Phil was giving him, because he was afraid that Phil might notice there was something that wasn't very right with him. He appreciated it, but considering the situation he had, it wasn't wanted.

"Dan, you don't look that fine", Phil questioned. "What? Do I look foul or something?" Dan erupted, annoyed, but worried that he was right.

"No! No, I didn't say that. I meant that you look really pale", Phil noted and waited for the reaction in Dan's face. "Well that's just how I look now days. I can't really do anything about it", Dan reckoned and avoided Phil's look.

"Have you been eating right, love?" Phil continued keeping his tone soft and gentle, but getting more and more worried as Dan started to avoid his commenting. He was clearly making him uncomfortable, but he couldn't stop himself from asking, because he really was concerned about Dan's health.

"I'm alright, Phil! Stop it already! It's like you're interrogating me!" Dan had went off the edge on anger now and glared at Phil. But it was all unintentional. He saw the hurt in Phil's eyes and felt terrible for doing that to him. He instantly wanted to apologize, but he felt like something caught his tongue and he could barely even breathe. But his brown eyes plead for forgiveness and Phil saw it.

"Love, I see there's something that you're trying to hide from me. But if you're not ready to tell me yet, I can wait. But please, you need to know that you can always tell me whatever is bothering you. I don't want anything making you feel bad and opening up can really help. Just remember that", Phil said lovingly and stroked Dan's arm from his shoulder to his wrist.

Tears were burning Dan's eyes and he casted them downwards. Slowly he came closer to Phil until he was flush against him, his head resting on his chest/shoulder area. Phil registered Dan's intentions the second he made his move and wrapped his long arms around the trembling frame and hugging him closer.

"It's going to be alright again, Dan", Phil whispered in the boy's ear and gave it a chaste kiss, then pressing his head against the other's.

* * *

><p>Dan needed some new jeans. The only pair he got, was black skinny jeans that were seriously starting to fade their colour and getting ripped from the knees from a lot of use. He got on his knees a lot or just bended them a lot guessing the reason to that.<p>

But the most real reason he needed to buy new jeans was because the old ones were too big. Although they had always been a bit big, because they showed his bum constantly, but now they were slipping off him everytime he stood up or moved elsewhere. It was embarrassing and looked stupid, so he decided he would just buy new ones.

One thing did confuse Dan was how were the jeans now much bigger than before if he still looked like a fatass whenever he looked at himself from the mirror. Maybe they had just stretched or something, though Dan wanted to believe they were bigger now was, because he had lost weight.

Of course that was the truth.

"I'm going out to buy some clothes from the town. Do you want to come with me?" Dan asked Phil from the other room while wishing he just had a punch for his belt that he could make more holes in it.

Dan's other clothes were getting bigger too, but he refused to acknowledge that, because then he would have to believe that he had lost weight, enough already, then he would know he had to stop his fasting, but he didn't want it to end, because really he just wanted to get thinner and thinner. But he didn't want to have a problem, not acknowledge it anyway, therefore he refused to see the truth at all.

By the way, clothes that were too big for him didn't let the others see how thin he had got already and then ask him about it. He didn't like that.

But he needed new jeans still, because if his jeans would fall off of him, then everyone would see his stick-like legs, and that would be so much worse than people just noticing he had slim legs.

"Sure. I need a new wintercoat anyway", Phil said and got up from his working table to get ready. "Cool." Dan took his bag and his black, thick jacket and put it on. He went to the kitchen and surprised Phil from eating his cereals. Dan's cereals. Not that ate them himself anyway, but it still annoyed him tremendously.

"Phil! What are you doing?"

Phil almost shrieked and the handful of cereals fell onto the floor from his hand. "Dan. Sorry", Phil said and laughed nervously at himself and cleaned after himself. "How many times...", Dan stretched the words in frustration, but was only joking.

"I'll try to stop. I promise I'm trying. I can even buy a new box for you if you want", Phil said and pulled his worn out, blue jacket on. "Uh, it's fine. Eat them, it doesn't matter." Dan didn't notice his slip before it was too late. It was a small one, but it opened Dan's situation to Phil in a massive way. He didn't show that he had caught a hint. He couldn't be sure only from his perceptions, so he didn't bring it up, but he got more worried than before, but felt more at ease as well.

Now he had something to ask Dan about and he would only have to say "no" or yes", and Phil knew that Dan couldn't lie well. He saw right through him most of the time.

"Let's go", Phil said and took the keys and so they left.

Dan looked at the black skinny jeans from the full-body mirror suspiciously. He took the same size he had on his old jeans, but when he went to try them on, they were too big just like the old ones. He let himself believe, if only a little bit, that he might have lost weight like he wanted to. But no where near enough.

He took a few other pair of jeans in different sizes, but of course always getting smaller than before and tried them all on, starting from the smallest ones. He didn't need to try on any other jeans afterwards. He knew his size now: XXS.

He also bought a pair of dark blue jeans that were a bit washed, and ripped from the knees. One of the shop assistants had said that he should buy them, because she thought they would look great on him. He had already decided that this time he would own at least two pairs of jeans, but he couldn't really bother to look for some other jeans when he had found the first pair, so he just agreed with the assistant mindlessly and bought them, not wanting to waste more time on that.

The assistant looked like she was really happy about the fact he bought them off. But not just because she had made her first sell ever, but because she really did want this handsome guy own them and wear them. She hoped that maybe she would meet him some other time too and see him wearing those skinny jeans she had picked for him.

"Okay Phil, you found anything?" Dan came behind him where he was looking through some t-shirts. "No", he muttered back, obviously quite disappointed with the selection.

"Hey! What about this?" Dan almost shouted, when he found something he bet Phil would love. He lifted a t-shirt with a huge, furry lion's head on it.

"Oh my God, that's perfect! Oh, yes. This is the one. This is going to be the best t-shirt I have ever own", he said with great delight. He hugged the shirt to his chest and rubbed the material on his cheek.

"Um, Phil? That's the large size. I bet it's a bit too big for you. I think the medium will do. You have to put it back now", Dan markt with a laugh as Phil had been pushing his face into the shirt when people saw and now he was putting it back to take the medium one. Phil blushed deep red and Dan snickered at his foolishness.

"God... Well I can buy it for you, yeah", Dan said and took the shirt from Phil's hands and was going to the cash register. "You don't need to do that, Dan. Or wait, I got an even better idea! Okay, you can buy that for me and I'm going to buy one for you. What's your shirt size?" Phil said.

"Um, you don't have to do that. This is sort of a gift", Dan mumbled not wanting to do this that much.

"A gift for what? Nothing, Dan. It nice you would do that for me, but I really want to get something for you too. Maybe a dinosaur", Phil said with another laugh. Before Dan could even realise what Phil was doing, he had already done it. Phil had went behind him and found the little tag that was sewn to Dan's shirt and had the information about it and the size of it.

"Small? But that isn't enough", Phil was confused. Dan though that Phil meant that he was too big for such a small shirt and felt bad immediately. But it was the opposite what Phil was saying.

Phil gripped the fabric of Dan's shirt and pulled it away from Dan to see how much extra fabric there was. "Dan, you're at least three sizes smaller than this shirt! Why are you wearing this big clothes?" he asked even more confused. But these notifications were only proving his last point he had about Dan. But he had to act this surprised for the sake of keeping the act together.

"It doesn't matter, okay. If you want to find me that shirt, then go do that. I'll go pay for this shirt", Dan said with a sharpness to his tone and left to go to the cashier.

Phil felt a bit sad how he had made Dan react, but focused now on getting him a nice shirt. The right size too.  
>He bought Dan a black turtleneck that was perfect for the ever coming winter. It was soft, thick and it was well made and he thought it would fit on Dan very nicely. Though he was concerned that even in the size of XXS it might still look a bit baggy on him. That would be really concerning, because that wasn't healthy for an 6,1 feet tall person.<p>

Phil wasn't going to show it to Dan until they got home, so he put it safely and neatly in the bad for him. Actually the cashier did that, but it's all the same.

Eventually they were both bored from all the shopping and Phil said he was up for some Starbucks. Dan had been feeling a bit dizzy and was afraid he might just collapse and faint, so he agreed.

* * *

><p>"One black coffee, please."<p>

"That is the most boring choice of drink to ask in a coffee shop", Phil commented in a monotone voice while choosing the caramel latte for himself.

"It's the most obvious choice I think. Why don't more people just appreciate the basic, good black coffee anymore? It's after all, everything that needs to be in a coffee shop", Dan retorted.

"Would you like some eggs with your black coffee?" Phil asked then suddenly whilst they got to their little table in the corner and sat on the armchairs.

"Excuse me?"

Phil just laughed maniacally. Dan didn't get the joke though. He just sat down, threw his legs over the arm of the chair and chilled. He sipped on his hot beverage. It tasted bitter, but it didn't matter. It had the lowest amount of coffees, it gave him the boost and the energy he needed not to pass out.

Phil stirred his own beverage vigorously and drank some and looked at Dan with a smile on his face. "I thought I would show you when we get home, but I think now it's as good time as later. You shall see what I got you", Phil announced with a glint in his eyes.

"Ooh, what could it be?" Dan played along and rubbed his hands together in an excited manner.

Phil pulled out the sweater he got and unfolded it to let him see it properly. "Do you like it?" he asked holding it up.

"Yes. It looks good. Thanks Phil. But are you sure it isn't too small? It's... it's XXS?! I thought you might get the small one, but this... It won't fit me", Dan exclaimed as he had looked from under the collar to see the size.

"It's fine, Dan! You can try it on when we get home and see if it does or doesn't fit. We can return it if it doesn't or change it. I still got the receipt", Phil calmed him.

Dan huffed, but gave him a smirk afterwards to show Phil he wasn't really mad at him. But frustrated yet again, yes. He just didn't want to go and get really small clothes even if they would fit him, because there was still too big of a risk that they wouldn't and then he would hate himself even more, because he couldn't fit in them. He rather took things too big than too small.

"Mmm, this is so good", Phil hummed across the table and drinking his coffee mix and smelling it. It did look quite delicious, Dan thought to himself.

The time slipped by as the boys talked about things happening at the radio show and other stuff, and before they even knew it, it was six pm and they decided to go home. Dan had to go for his run, he absolutely needed to, because he had drunk that coffee before and that was unacceptable for his diet. Thank you caffeine, but no thank you calories. At at the same time, he didn't have to dine in with Phil, even though he would have liked his company.

As Dan escaped outside in his sporty clothes, Phil was left in deep thoughts alone in their flat. He was trying to figure out how to reach out to Dan and get him to talk about what was going on without hurting or pushing him.

He brought the noodles to his lips and ate in silence and contemplated what he should do.

He could call PJ. He always knew the right things to say. Yes, he would call PJ and maybe even invite him over if he liked.

That's what he did.

Thank God he did...


	5. Chapter 5

PJ was walking slowly over to Phil and Dan's flat. It was already getting quite dark outside, but the streetlamps shined subtle, yellow light all around. He realised there was a park close by their place and was right now walking next to it. Hmm, maybe he should take the park route. It would be a bit more delightful and nicer.

So he took the exit from the street to the park. He marveled at the surprising beauty that the park got. It was actually a really pretty place with a lake in the middle. His steps began faltering to a stop from admiring the sky full of stars and, because he really wanted to take a picture of a bird sitting on an ornamental lamp.

He took his phone out and silently took the picture with a wide grin plastered on his face. Then a sudden sound of rustling came from the sandy road of the park. PJ looked over, and who else he saw, Dan.

"Oh hi", Dan halted when he noticed PJ and went to see him. "Hi there. I was just on my way to your flat", PJ said with a small smirk. "Oh... alright, yeah! Well, Phil's home now I think so you will get in. I've still got a few rounds to go, but I'll see you guys later, okay", Dan said, hiding that he was surprised not knowing that PJ was coming. Why hadn't Phil told him? What was going on? Were they about to gush about him in private or something?

"Alright then. See you then", PJ said and they both took off to the opposite directions on the road. Dan kept on running even though he was practically already tumbling down instead of putting one foot after another.

PJ walked in silence and deep in thought now that he had seen Dan after quite a long while. Phil had noted on the telephone that he was concerned about his flatmate's health condition. PJ wasn't sure what Phil had meant, but he understood it now. Dan was running with a pretty crazed glint in his eyes and his face looked sharper, edgier, his cheeks sunken in. He looked very much pale and a bit sick to be honest.

He and Phil were going to have a little talk about Dan, behind his back. He hoped that wasn't wrong, because it was only about being worried about him. They had to think about if they needed to do an intervention.

PJ looked over, just in time, to see it. Dan, on the other side of the pond had began really to stumble and soon he was falling and collapsing onto the ground. His legs couldn't keep him up anymore. He felt it. He felt PJ's eyes on him already so he couldn't bother to try to stand up. He couldn't. He was too weak and exhausted to do that. His face laid on the sand, just giving up hiding how bad things had got.

PJ had run, letting his inner beast runner free to get to Dan in, well, in some time. He kneeled beside Dan's petite, but long form and turned him around and lifted his torso up, resting it to PJ's thigh he rose.

"Are you okay? I mean did you hurt yourself? I mean did you hit your head hard or something?" PJ tried to ask Dan desperately, but finding out that he actually had answers to most of them already now.

"I'm fine, my head's fine. I'm completely fine. I just tripped and didn't get up in one second, because I got kinda tired from the running. Now you can let me go, PJ. Go see Phil. I'm gonna come back later", Dan rambled on and began pushing himself off of PJ's lap.

"No, you aren't going anywhere! Dan, you just didn't trip. You practically collapsed from whatever reason. What's going on?" PJ made Dan stay there by pushing him back down from his shoulders.

"PJ", Dan had a warning tone to his voice and glared at him. "I'm taking you to your home. Now. Let's go", PJ decided and grab onto Dan and stood up. He put his hand around his waist to hold him up better, when he was about to fall down again. Dan was grateful then that PJ was holding onto him. If he had fallen down now, he wouldn't have had any excuse for that. It was a bit too intimate and too uncomfortable for anyone to say anything, so they just kept on walking in silence, listening to the noises of the city.

If anything, Dan was a nervous wreck. He was afraid what was about to go down when they would arrive to the flat. What would Phil say? What would PJ say? How would they react?

Oh God, would Phil leave him if he found out? Would he break up with him? No...

* * *

><p>Phil was making some tea and put up some biscuits on the table. While at it he was cleaning up a bit around the place. He didn't want PJ to feel uncomfortable even though they didn't even had a messy home. But Phil had left socks on the hall ground.<p>

Before he knew it, the doorbell rang. It must be PJ then. He went to open the door, but it happened to open before he even touched the handle. There was PJ and Dan.

A very weak and sick looking Dan held up by PJ. Worried glances were shared during a moment of confusion and shock. "Come in", Phil basically ordered and stepped out of the way so the boys could come in. They went into the living room and Dan was sat onto the sofa where he laid down. He even threw an arm over his eyes and sighed.

PJ stood beside him with Phil, both looking concerned and still in a bit of a shock. "What happened?" Phil finally asked after five minutes of just staring.

"Dan collapsed in the park during his training. I went to help him and got him here", PJ answered flatly and continued staring with a frown on his face.

"I did not collapse! I tripped over a rock!" Dan shouted frustratedly.

"He did not just trip. He couldn't even get up afterwards", PJ addressed sharply.

"I believe you", Phil said to PJ and got a scowl from Dan who rose his arm from his eyes.

"You should go to a doctor, Dan."

"I'm not going to a doctor, Phil. There's nothing wrong with me!"

"That's not true and you know it. I think this all has to do with you never dining with me. I never see you eat anymore, Dan. Still you're always exercising. I'm worried about you. Worried sick."

"I do eat! A lot! A lot more than I should! I know I too big and should lose weight, but I guess I can't. I just don't have a strong self-control as you do. Sorry! Okay, I'm sorry!" Dan burst out getting up whilst also getting out of control. He stomped up to his room with confused and dumbfounded Phil and PJ behind him.

"Dan! Don't go! Wait!" Phil yelled after him, but Dan slammed the door shut and locked it. He crashed to the bed and closed his eyes tightly. Tears still fell on his cheeks bitterly. He screamed into his pillow so that no noise came.

Now Phil knew. He knew that Dan knew that he was fat and ugly and he couldn't do anything about it. And Dan now knew that Phil had noticed that Dan had tried to get skinnier, if even a little bit, but just couldn't. He was a failure.

"Dan..." Phil pleaded quietly from behind the door. "Please, open the door. I just want to talk."

"Please, don't... I don't want to talk", Dan muttered through his throat full of salty tears.

"Dan... Please... Don't shut me out. Don't leave me."

What? Dan thought. Was Phil asking him not to leave _him?_

He couldn't do that to him. Never. Of course he wasn't leaving him. It was the opposite he thought it might be. Now that Phil basically knew that there was something wrong with him, he should be leaving him. Breaking up and telling Dan to move away from him and quiet being his partner at BBC Radio 1.

He couldn't shut Phil out. He didn't stand that Phil had to beg for him behind the door, when it was supposed to be the other way around. He was not going to break up with him if Phil didn't want that. If he still wanted him.

Slowly but surely Dan rose from his bed and shivering walked over to his door, eyes casted to the floor and let the lock open when he pushed the doorhandle down.

Phil had sat down onto the floor and when Dan opened his door he was the first thing he saw. Phil lifted his head upwards so he could see him. His light blue eyes glistened from unshed tears and were full of worry, tenderness and utter love.

"I'm sorry", Dan whispered as he kneeled and sat down right next to him. He pressed his head against Phil's shoulder who then started stroking his head and rested his own against Dan's.

"I love you, Dan."

Dan's arms went around Phil's chest and tightened his hold on him with a soft sigh.


	6. Chapter 6

PJ was left wandering back to his own home. He used the park route again, but this time no one was collapsing in front of him. He listened quietly to the noises coming from the city. He felt empty in a strange way. It wasn't a feeling he haven't had before, but still it always felt like the first time. Though that lasted only for a moment until it all came crashing down on him.

All the new information he was given was quite overpowering and he felt a bit overwhelmed by all of this. Usually PJ was quite good at handling stress, but this time, when there was an actual life at risk, he was lost. He was Dan's friend, he had to support him and help him the best he could, but he didn't know how he was suppose to. Would Dan accept his help?

Then there was the other thing. "Phan" was real. PJ was astounded. It was true after all. Yes, maybe it haven't been like that all the way from the start like the fandoms had thought, but otherwise it was all the same really. These two were together now. Dan got Phil by his side, that was good. PJ was very happy for them. Though there was a concern about what would happen if the fans would find out. I mean they already thought Dan and Phil were together, but what if they knew that for certain?

They had decided to hide it as long as they could. Forever really if they had enough of self-control around each other. Only the closest friends of theirs would get to know. They would tell others if they wouldn't suspect for it all to go crazy. Especially when Dan was sick, he didn't need any more craziness around him now.

PJ sighed heavily and took a huge gulp of the cool air. It would be fine. Dan will get better. It didn't matter how long it would take, because who knew how long it would take anyway, so they would just have to make him feel good about himself and preferably put on weight to get healthy again.

PJ felt more satisfied from this thought and strolled to his home feeling more at ease than before.

* * *

><p>"What are you thinking?" Phil whispered in Dan's ear who was lying on his lap on the bed. Room was barely lightened by the lamp next to the dark window. There was silence without their talking.<p>

"Just how wonderful you are", he answered back, almost in a serious voice. Well, there was nothing untruthful about his remark anyway, so why make a joke about it, even though that was probably what Phil was waiting to hear. Dan didn't really like very deep conversations with people and usually turned them into something else if he could. It's not that he couldn't have a deep conversation or he wasn't interested in them, but if he did have them with people, especially with Phil, people would find out that there was something wrong with him.

Dan only had deep thoughts and everything about them was quite concerning, so he rather not have people delve into them and then criticize him about them.

This was about to turn into a deep conversation, but Dan had already revealed so much about himself to Phil, he couldn't care anymore if he knew even more. And that was what their relationship should be all about. Being honest with everything they thought and said. Dan needed to stop saying he's alright when he wasn't and Phil needed to say when he suspected Dan did that.

"I'm just normal. It's normal to love someone like you", Phil said in return. He knew what Dan meant, he needed to prove him right and wrong at the same time about his note. He wanted to be everything for Dan, but have him know that Dan was everything for him too.

"You are amazing. Amazing Phil. The most perfect human being on earth. The greatest person in the whole universe. The best thing in the entire existence", Dan said and gave a small sigh at the end.

"And you are my all, so if I'm that great, you must be as great as me then", Phil said back.

"No. I'm not. Because you're so amazing, you could take even a cannibal as your partner if you loved them so much. Then you would help them to quit being such a nightmare. That full of love you are. Full of the best thing in everything there is."

"Why? If I'm so amazing, then wouldn't I be smart as well? So when I tell you that you are amazing too, isn't that the truth because I said it?" Phil continued on his debate which was made of careful and calm whispers.

Dan was quiet for some time. He didn't know what to say anymore now. Phil kept caressing his head gently and enjoyed the softness and silkiness of Dan's brown hair. He noticed it was longer than before. Not overly grown, but just long enough for his fringe to reach his cheekbone, he thought it fitted him the best.

"You are beautiful Dan. Inside and out. I wish you saw that yourself. You would feel so much better if you knew that", Phil thought out loud.

"You will have to wait for a little longer to see that come true", Dan said cynically with a roll of his eyes.

"But I'm still going to make that happen. Just wait and see", Phil promised.

* * *

><p>Just a quick chapter. Hope you liked it.<p> 


	7. Chapter 7

Dan needed to make a video. He couldn't be any more late from his update schedule but he couldn't have helped to procrastinate. It had been so hard lately. Phil had been pushing him to eat little by little and opening up to him, or if not, threatening to call someone to take him to some feeding clinic or something. Or that what Dan speculated, when Phil gave a sigh when he wouldn't even touch his meal. It was quite ridiculous actually, but Dan's mind was a mess right now and he couldn't tell right from wrong, the truth from the lies.

Dan had got an opinion on feminism and masculinity and thought it through carefully with a script, before making the actual video. He of course thought that men and women should have equal rights and treatment, but also had some differing and interesting opinions about it he wanted to share. After finishing everything, he uploaded it on Youtube and told people about it on his social networks.

Phil came to his room as he heard Dan turn silent and opted he was now done filming. He opened the door and saw Dan shutting his computer down, done with electronic devices for the day, instead getting more interested in the book he had just bought from an old and strange looking little book shop. The book was called "Everything Wrong with Everything". Just enough light hearted and black humourous to reveal himself from his angstier life situation.

Phil creeped across the floor behind Dan and when he reached his sitting form on the work chair, he looped his arms quickly around Dan's neck and rested his head on his. Dan got scared by him for a moment from the surprise, but quickly regained his composure afterwards.

"Hi", Dan greeted him lamely with a small smile playing on his rosy lips. "Hi. Is everything alright?" Phil asked gently and began rubbing circles on Dan's chest slowly. He could feel his ribcage distinctly and easily, but focused on the warmth of Dan instead.

"Yes. All is good", Dan answered with a quiet sigh and flipped to another page in his book. "Good", Phil said back and then placed a kiss in Dan's dark brown hair. It smelled delicious, bit of berries and a bit of flowers.

"Is there something you wanted to do?" Dan asked Phil as he continued to stay in his awkward posture, hovering over Dan longer than expected.

"Not exactly. Just wanted to spend some time with you today too. You know, you've been staying in your room for seven hours straight now. Maybe you should eat something before you go to bed."

Oh, that what it was about. Phil didn't actually want to be with him, he just wanted him to have dinner so he could put his nurturing instinct at ease.

"Yeah, well, I'm not that hungry really, so I don't really care to get out of my room later on today either", Dan answered back sharply and shrugged Phil's arms off of him.

"Dan?" Phil was hurt by Dan's actions and words. He needed to remind himself that this wasn't actually Dan again, but more his disease. But he could not feel other than feel bad and hurt.

"What?!"

"Nothing..." Phil had to back off now even though he shouldn't have had. He let himself leave the room and shut the door behind him too.

Now Dan felt horrible and bad too. But he didn't know it was him who had made Phil leave like that, or maybe he did, but more than that, he thought it was just Phil realising that Dan wasn't worth his time and love. Phil wanted to leave him, wanted to get rid of him. He wasn't good enough for him. Dan was bad.

Tears were already smearing the pages of the book and he had to put it back on the shelf and go cry silently under his bed covers.

How he could make things go so wrong from being so good in just a matter of seconds? What was it that made him do that? Could he not be just a good person?

* * *

><p>Phil realised he should try to find some information about Dan's situation. His illness. Because he really had no idea about it on what it was to be honest and how did you treat it.<p>

He used the old and trusty Google and typed in Anorexia. He started reading some text from a medical journal and blogs from people who had or had had it. Anorexia Nervosa that is, he learned. He also saw some pictures proving the point of what a dangerous disorder it was. Most of the people in the pictures were girls, but there were boys too. The graphs also said that the number of boys with eating disorders were on the raise, so no person could no longer say that it was only a disorder that struck females.

Phil knew he had to do something to help Dan, but he didn't want him to force him into anything either. He read of some blog how bad it could get in a hospital even though they would just mean it for the best. Phil knew that Dan would never go to a hospital because of this. And never in a million years would Phil make him go forcefully. That could tear them apart even if they didn't want it to. Dan might just hate him afterwards, especially if he wouldn't get better anyway. He could always hope that he would, but sometimes the disease was just too deep in them.

Phil read about it. As bad as it was and how much you would want to deny that, it happened sometimes. Phil didn't know how long Dan had had it or how long had he had these type of thoughts in his head Phil read about online.

He wished so hard that Dan could get help without any problems and heartache, but that just wasn't the case. It was always hard and ruff. It could be worth it though.

But could they just find a middle ground still? If Dan wanted to be skinny as hell, then could Phil just show him that he already was and he wouldn't have to go any deeper into his weight losing? Could Dan just stay as he was now and be happy with it? Get him as much as nutrients he would need but still stay like this and also see it himself and be happy about it?

Could Phil make that work? How would he make that work?

Phil shut the lid of his laptop angrily and frustrated.

He had always known there was something wrong with Dan. Like in his mind. That didn't make him bad or imperfect and Phil loved him all the same. But that was the truth and he would have to tackle it down.

* * *

><p>"Dan I want to talk to you about something. Would you please come out to the lounge?" Phil asked politely behind the door of Dan's bedroom. He had been cooped inside of it for way too long now. Over a full day. Phil was scared and worried about him and he would go in for desperate measures to get Dan into his arms.<p>

Dan was still laying under his bed covers and trembling slightly when he heard Phil's voice again this morning. Whenever Phil went past his door he would greet him in some way. Say good night and morning or just plead him to come out.

And he hadn't said anything back. What a horrible person he was. Now Phil was going to leave him. He couldn't deal with him anymore. Stupid, stupid, stupid Dan! He hit himself to his forehead with his fist.

He needed to grip himself from the neck and get on with it. Show some courage and strenght. Phil was really going to dump him, but he could not breakdown in front of him. He didn't want Phil to win. He still got a little bit of pride and dignity left in him. Even if just a tiny bit.

He got up and opened the door. Phil wasn't behind it anymore, he had already gone to the lounge and there he was waiting for him, standing next to the fireplace.

"Dan", he sighed from relief. He had come out finally. Phil noticed how rumpled Dan's clothes were and how his hair was a sexy mess on top of his head. He got his hand tugging at some of the roots of it. He looked bewildered and scared. His posture looked like he was ready for someone to hit him and he was just waiting for it timidly.

Phil's smile that had shined when he had come out to the lounge faltered from the sight of Dan.

Dan had wore the sweater Phil had go him that fit him better than his other shirts now, but still clung to his frame so it a baggy manner, so it was too big nonetheless albeit it was the smallest size.

"Sit down", Phil said to him and Dan did as he was told and sat on the sofa's farthest end from Phil. He noted that sadly.

"I think we need to make a compromise about this situation. About your disorder." Phil sat down to the sofa as well and looked at Dan at times when he talked however sometimes needing to just look out of the window when he felt too awkward for no good reason.

"What do you want me to do? Are you... Do you want to send me away?" Dan asked meekly with a voice that broke at the end of his sentence.

"No! Of course not. I could never have you anywhere else than with me, Dan. What I wanted to _discuss_ with you was that maybe we could find a golden road. Something that would suit for us both. I want you to be healthy. So that if anything, it won't be this disease that will take you away from me. But I don't want to make you do anything you don't want to do. If you..." Phil's words and thoughts began wavering. He needed to get a grip of himself.

"If you could see how thin you have gotten already... Then maybe you could stop losing weight and be able to stay with me." It came out more as a question than anything. It was hard for Phil to say this, because he knew how much his words affected Dan now.

"I don't know...", Dan started sounding already a bit frantic. His eyes were wide open with fear and he looked like he was ready to flee out of the flat. Out of Phil's life.

"If you saw that, maybe you would be happy, because you would know that you have reached your goal or whatever. I'm not sure though why would you like to be this way, you're skinnier than the models on runways so it's not really in_ fashion_, and so it couldn't be just superficiality and shallowness. Anyway I know that's not you. There must be something else affecting this, but the goal is still there and it all is just symbolizing something deeper. If you just told me what it is then... Then you would be fine. Or are you just a masochist?" Phil rambled then looked at Dan's reaction.

"But I don't even fucking know what there is to me, Phil! I don't know what_ this_ is supposed to be symbolizing! I would tell you right now if I could! Maybe it is just that, maybe I am just a vain and self-centered asshole who just can't get enough thin to look good?!" Dan bursted out and waved his hands frantically besides his head.

He felt absolutely defeated.

"That's why you shouldn't be with me, Phil. I'm not good enough for you. I can't love anyone besides myself, and I hate myself. That's how much I can love", Dan's voice was now flat and he had casted his eyes to the floor again and held his arms on his chest.

Phil came flush close to Dan and hugged him to him even if he was scared of Dan. This wasn't him. He had to have him happy and wonderful. This was just so out of the ordinary. But still it was just normal.

"Dan, I can love you. And I know you can love me, because you do. Believe me, this will change in time. This isn't for forever. I promise. I will show that to you. Someday you won't remember these thoughts anymore", Phil cried into Dan's neck.

"I love you so much! You love me. Please don't say anything else", he begged and tightened his grip on him and turned his head to his right and left as a shook in a desperate motion.

"I love you Phil. I love you", Dan whispered breathily into Phil's purple shirt with his eyes closed. Odd sensations were going through him. He couldn't understand something anymore, but found out that it didn't matter. That was alright for once.

Everything felt so strange but good. It felt like floating with the dust in the air.

"I love you", he repeated and his arms also went around Phil's form which shook from his cries. "I love you."

* * *

><p>Aren't I horrible? I mean I've never thanked you for all the lovely comments. Thank you! I love to hear what you think and get sudden emails and feel like I'm important.<p>

By the way, Shawn Mendes-Life of the Party. Check that out and possibly if you want listen to it when you read the last bit of this chapter. I wrote this to it kind of. And it's a really good song. You will love it.


	8. Chapter 8

"It's one of those days I don't want to do anything. At all. And I don't know if I can ever do anything anymore. I can't get up."

Phil's hand stroked Dan's side with a sad, lopsided smile. It seemed it was another existential crisis for Dan today. At least he was telling about it to Phil this time so maybe he could help him with it.

Phil snuggled against Dan's body and pressed his face right in front of him so that Dan would have to take his hands away from covering his beautiful features. Phil's arms sneaked under Dan's back and knees. As he stood up he had Dan up in his arms bridal style.

"You're up. I knew you could do it", Phil stated with a more promising smile and another one formed on Dan's lips, however his hazelnut brown eyes still didn't got that certain spark in them.

"'Cause you got me in your arms, Phil", Dan marked with his usual sarcastic tone in his voice.

"Always. Now Chris and PJ will visit today at noon. PJ wanted to make some video, is that alright with you?" Phil asked focusing his whole being in look for any trouble on Dan's impression.

"Yes. I can't deny him that. I'll try my best to be... right. But I can't promise much more on my side", Dan muttered in Phil's shirt who had started swaying from side to side.

"It's alright Dan. Just having you there is enough, darling", Phil cooed and gave chaste kisses on Dan's face.

"Well I can't look exactly deeply depressed in PJ's video, can I? That would definitely ruin everything and I don't want that." Dan was starting to wonder how could someone like Phil hold a person in their arms this long? Meaning someone who never did lifts or used the stairs instead of the elevator in their block tower. He frowned in confusion.

"Dan... You know what I mean", Phil said and did a little circle around the bedroom still swaying Dan in his arms.

"How can you hold me like this? Have you taken steroids or something?" Dan joked a bit, but more than anything he was bewildered.

"It just doesn't take that much muscle power to lift a pillow does it?" Remarked Phil back.

"You put bricks in your pillows?" Was Dan's comeback and grinned at him promptly.

"No", Phil laughed. "That should make you think about yourself, shouldn't it?"

"It never should."

Phil took him and Dan to the kitchen and placed Dan to sit on the counter as he made some coffee for them. "What cup do you want?" he asked behind his shoulder.

"Hello Kitty", Dan answered lazily and seeing there was nothing on the counter, he laid himself on it fully.

"What are you doing?" Phil asked quizzically.

"What does it look like?" So that's how this morning was to go. Word tennis.

"What do you think it looks like?"

"Well, how would I know, when I'm here?"

"Certainly I can't tell it still, can I?"

"Why can't you?"

"Because I just made you coffee, but you're laying on the counter suddenly."

"'Cause why not?"

"What why not?"

"Can't that my answer?" Dan asked with an evil smirk. Phil huffed in light frustration. "Why say your answer as a question?"

"Do you have a problem with that?"

"Ah! Fine. Whatever. Now, drink your coffee", Phil said and took his mug to the table and made some cereals for himself before steeping into eating his breakfast.

Dan hopped off the counter and took the Hello Kitty mug full of irony and coffee and went to sit next to Phil. "You're cute still so it doesn't matter if you're mad", Dan said with a smirk and wiggled his brows at Phil who muttered something to himself. "Okay", he sighed.

"Phil."

"Yes?" Phil asked and took a sip from his steaming cup of coffee.

"The Game."

"Fucking, Dan!" Phil exclaimed in annoyance, but he wasn't that pissed off really, because he was grinning. But he did swear which he never, ever did, so that had to mean something.

"Sorry", Dan said but not very seriously though. "Okay! Now I have had it! If you won't shut up, then I'll make you!" Phil told him with a stern look to Dan's eyes. "I will, I will!" Dan promised clearly not understanding the joke.

"You are still talking", Phil noted darkly and with a husky, deep voice. He got up from his seat and looked at Dan intensively while making his way to him. Dan backed up as much as he could he in his seat and his gaze following Phil's movements with slight fear and nervousness. Now he had done it, he thought to himself. He had made Phil so angry with him that he will leave him and never ever want him in his...

Phil grabbed Dan from his arms and made him stand up, however Dan did put some difficulty to it. But once he was up, he was easier to control and Phil pushed him against the white wall behind them. He put his both hands somewhere on Dan's body as long as he got a good hold of him, but they had the tendency to move everywhere they could to explore Dan.

With ruff and passionate kisses he shut Dan's talkative personality and also subdued his whimpers and moans. Every bit of surface on Dan's face was soon covered in kisses, his hair messier than his 'hobbit' hair could ever be and his body needier than ever. His eyes were closed, their both breathing were worked-up.

Phil stopped after he was sure that Dan had got what he needed to be controlled and placid. He rested his head on Dan's shoulder and calmed his breathing there beside Dan's sensitive neck. He was already starting to squirm against Phil's hold to get far from what was the cause of the tingling on his neck. Phil just planted a kiss right there and hold up Dan, when his wobbly knees finally gave up.

"It's alright", Phil whispered to his ear with closed eyes and they just enjoyed the closeness of each others. Phil listened to Dan's soft breathing and the quietness and sweetness of this whole ensemble. Dan's whole body leaned against Phil's strong frame and he wrapped his arms around Dan and lifted him up and took him back to the counter. He sat him to it and widening his legs a bit to lean his arms on the counter. He looked up to Dan's subtle and sweet impression. He was smiling down at Phil faintly.

"Chris and PJ will be coming soon. Why don't I finish my breakfast and you have a shower. I know there must be something to take care of here", Phil said and all of the sudden he ghosted his hand down Dan's crotch, but sneaked around Dan's hips smoothly. Dan gasped quietly at this and with shaky legs he slided down from the counter with Phil's gentle help and walked off to the bathroom.

His mild shock faded away only after his hot shower and he decided that this day was going to be a good day after-all. Phil had offered that possibility to him and he should make the best of it.

* * *

><p>The Game, if you didn't know, is like just a game where you can't remember the game. It's like going all the time and if you remember it, you have lost the game. I think it's pretty stupid, but Dan had mentioned it quite a few times before so I just thought to add it in. Hope you liked the chapter anyway and see you soon!<p> 


	9. Chapter 9

PJ and Chris came right on the agreed time. Everyone settled themselves into the lounge. Chris saw the change in Dan very clearly, although no one had told him anything yet. But Chris was much more attentive than people might think of him. He saw these type of things and didn't need an explanation or someone to tell him about it. He understood, probably the best from all of them even if he knew nothing like they did. Chris would stay quiet about it until someone would bring it up, because he didn't want to disturb this facade that was put on as a common foregone conclusion as Dan tried his best to be and look normal.

PJ had an idea of making the collaborative video about a christmas story he had twisted around in his mind and written a script of it for them. The original story was "The Little Match Girl" by the danish Hans Christian Andersen. It was a beautiful, short, but sad story about a very poor little girl who had to sell matches on the street and can't go home before she has done so, even though it's terribly cold and she already has early hypothermia.

It was decided that Dan shall be the little girl. Maybe because they all took so much into him already so it was easier to play or for the reason he was the smallest and the saddest looking of all of them.

"We have to go outside for a bit. Phil you will be a guy who stops to look at the, well the little boy this time, and pity him so he buys a match from him. Then more people walk past him without giving him a second glance. Dan, you shiver like you're about to die from the cold as you are. You light up a match yourself, because you're so cold and seek for the warmth. You see lovely Christmas images in their glow, me and the others will be playing in those. Then you see a shooting star in the night sky and whisper "Someone is going to Heaven. I wonder what it's like up there." Then you see your grandmother and keep lighting up matches to see her again and again. In the end you run out of matches and it gets colder than before. Now, you would die and you do, but only to wake up in a warm, homey looking old house beside a lighted fireplace. Chris will play your mother and I your father who kind of chuckle how you have slept so long on the floor and bring you presents. But after the _dream _you had, you decide to give them to other children and the one child shall be played by Phil who's out in the street and you invite him in and have a lovely Christmas", PJ informed them all about the script and they started working on the filming.

Everything worked just fine. Though it was really cold outside and Dan could only wear his black jeans and a light, a bit ripped jacket over a brown jumper. Also he had a slow blood circulation from not getting enough energy, so he was extra cold from that too.

At least that made the shivering look real.

"Okay, it's wrapped up guys! We are done! Thank you so much. All I got to do now is edit this and it'll be up for the Christmas Eve."

"Wait, isn't that in like two weeks already?" Phil asked confused.

"Yeah, it is. Don't you have a Christmas calendar?" Chris answered with an amazed impression on his face. He couldn't believe these guys didn't remember when Christmas was going to be. Have they been living under a rock or something? With all the adverts on tv and internet, they should know by now that Christmas was close.

"Oh, I need to go buy some presents", Phil exclaimed. He would need to hurry before the stores would stop their christmassy things. Well, actually there wasn't probably any worry about that. But he needed to hurry just to get them before the extreme rushes.

"Yeah", Dan joined in with a nervous laugh. "I should do that too before it's too late."

"Hey, would you want to order something or go somewhere to eat? We don't really have anything to eat here and I'm really hungry after all that filming", Phil said and remembered he should be a good host if Dan wasn't going to be. Or there probably was a reason behind that too.

"I heard there was a new Indian place opened a few blocks away. Would you like to try that out? Tikka Masala is always good, isn't it?" PJ suggested.

"Sure", Phil and Chris agreed, but Dan stayed silent awkwardly. He was jumping on the walls of his mind, thinking desperately how was he going to escape this time.

"You should go, but I'm afraid I'm way too tired to get up and go anywhere now. I think I'm just going to get under covers and take a... nap", Dan said, trying to fake confidence into his voice so it wouldn't waver from the lies.

"Or we could just order in from there. You can take your _nap _before it gets here", PJ tried to solve the little problem they were having.

"Yeah, and did you have the new Mario Kart or something?" Chris asked Phil whilst pointing to the television that had all the games piled under it.

"We do", Phil answered with a nod, while Dan was having another kind of crisis in his head than usually.

"No, but uh... I don't want you to miss out on the whole restaurant experience. You should go, don't worry about me", Dan protested.

"What the...? Who cares! Let's play games and eat Indian food here", Chris said and making expressions with his hands. "Yeah, let's do that. I mean if that suits you?" PJ checked from Phil and raising his brows at him.

"I mean, sure. Sounds good. Dan, go take a nap and if you don't feel up to it, you don't have to join us for dinner lunch", Phil said then softer and placed a gentle hand on Dan's shoulder. He turned to look at Phil with scared brown eyes that calmed from Phil's ensuring words. It'd be alright after-all. Phil was so kind and thoughtful of him. That made Dan love him even more and his eyes told it all to Phil.

"Okay", he whispered to him and with short byes, he went to his room. In his own privacy he decided that he should really get some sleep after-all, he was quite tired from all of the filming. Dan got under the duvet and thought of Phil and with him in his mind, he fell into a fitful and serene sleep.

* * *

><p>Aren't I such a good little writer? Updating this quickly. Remember, keep your hamster happy and the wheel turning by feeding it regularly. That means that reviews are welcomed :)<p>

Oh, and don't bother trying to look for that video, because I made it up. Though the actual story of "The Little Match Girl" is real. You should read it. My father used to tell it to me when I went to sleep. It's a really pretty story.


	10. Chapter 10

Dan woke up before the Chris and PJ were going to leave. He could hear them laughing and playing in the lounge while he sat in his room alone and sulked in the dim light.

Dan wanted to get up and join the lads and have good fun. He really did. And he so wanted to be with Phil. But he could not do that. He knew that if he went there, everything would ruin. No one would feel cheerful and have fun afterwards. He ruined everything after-all. He shouldn't go there then. Everything would just turn out depressing and awkward. They might ask questions and worry about him and that would just be the worst.

However, he felt like he wasn't up for it anyway. He couldn't be bothered. He was still too tired to socialize, and he was crap at that even when he felt better. Or that what he told himself.

He remembered that he hasn't even socialized through the internet for the past few days. He should read some of the comments of his last video and perhaps answer a few questions. Dan opened up his laptop and logged in onto his accounts. He went on his last video and prepared himself for some hate comments that would come from the people who disagreed with him with too much spare time on hand. He also expected for some agreeing and encouraging, sweet words as well as they usually were there too.

He wasn't expecting for what there actually was.

_Oh my God, Dan! How much weight have you lost?! You look so tiny!_

_Shit dan, looking real anorexic there. everything's alright?_

_Are you okay Dan? You look really thin. Is everything okay? I'm worried about you._

_OMG! YOUR SOO SKINNY! WHATS WRONG WITH YOU?!_

_what the hell dan? the diets been working for you really effectively, huh._

_Dan, u r so hot! when did you become so handsome?_

_i love u, dan, but why do you look so small now_

_It's really concerning how do you look on video now days Dan. Are you feeling alright? I mean you look really bony, no offense. I just want to know if you're alright?_

What were they all talking about? Because literally that was all what they were talking about right now: the way he looked. He couldn't understand where they were all taking this from, because he was NOT skinny. He looked like the opposite. He must have done something with the editing system that it changed the appearance of his size or something, apparently.

He couldn't answer any of the questions about the video now, because he couldn't find any relating to his subject of discussion.

Dan went to his social media account and all he could find from there as well, were questions about his health and feeling. He could see that the people were also abusing Phil's and his other friends accounts with questions about Dan's well-being.

He had ruined everything even when he thought he wasn't doing anything...

Dan shut the lid of the laptop abruptly with force and put it back down onto the floor. He shook his head as sobs threatened to come up his throat and buried his face in his hands which also trembled from shame and fear. He was a horrible human being who couldn't do anything right! He just had to ruin everyone's good mood. That would happen when his friends would go to their accounts and see what everyone was going on about. They would hate him.

Everyone else was having fun while Dan loathed himself for no good reason in his room.

* * *

><p>Phil thanked for everyone coming and PJ thanked them for helping him. Though he could not thank Dan as they believed that he was still sleeping and they didn't want to disturb him.<p>

So the lads left without further ado and Phil went on his laptop to look at what was going on in the world. And what his fans were talking about. He could not believe his eyes or ears.

Or actually he could.

It was all true after-all. Why wouldn't the fans notice how much weight Dan had lost so suddenly? Why wouldn't they be worried or scared? Dan was something they should be worried about when he was looking like a skeleton. It wasn't normal, but if Dan wanted this, then he should he allowed to do that, right? It was his body? Phil or anyone else couldn't say what he should do with it.

Phil watched Dan's video now that he had time. He found it very entertaining but it also made a lot of sense and had good opinions about feminism and masculism.

Though Phil was blinded by his own stupidity and naivety. This was the first time he truly saw what Dan had become. He thought he would be horrified and scared by his discovery. And he was. But more than that, and what he couldn't understand and even felt a little bit disgusted by, was the fact that he found Dan attractive.

Not that he didn't usually do, because he did. Dan was the most beautiful creature on Earth for Phil. But this... this was just something else.

It was_ better._

Phil wasn't sure how he should feel about that. There wasn't anything he would need to do at least if he wanted things to stay like this.

He wanted Dan to be healthy, but Dan wanted to be like this and Phil kind of did want that too.

He should go see if Dan was awake. He should do that first.

So he went to Dan's room, knocking first, but when he could only hear muffled crying sounds, he just walked right in. He found Dan curled up in a ball in the middle of his bed. He rushed next to him and without a warning, he cradled Dan in his arms and on his lap. He held a protective form when with Dan and drowned him in soft kisses and gentle, comforting caresses and touches.

He could not keep the feeling of arousal and pleasure away as his hands wandered over Dan's newly found body. He still managed to keep his focus on Dan's well-being and wondered with worry what was going on and how he could help him.

"Oh, dear, what's wrong? Dan, tell me! What's wrong?" Phil almost begged and tried to see Dan's tear smeared face which he tried to hide from him. Dan tried to compose himself not wanting to look weak and pathetic, especially in front of his boyfriend. But when the good things from Phil just kept on coming, he felt like it wouldn't matter if he started crying even harder now.

So Dan curled himself now around Phil's middle and hugged himself to him. "Please... I'm sorry", Dan cried to Phil's chest who only hold him tighter.

"What are you sorry for?" Phil asked softly feeling lost and confused about this situation. He could finally take a look at Dan's pretty face when he turned his head in the crook of Phil's elbow.

"That I ruin everything", Dan said and tried to dry his tears while still sobbing some more.

"You don't ruin anything, Dan! You're pretty much perfect for all I know. Why are you saying all those things?"

"I make everyone sad and make everyone hate me. No one likes me, neither should you. It's unfair to you", Dan tried to explain.

"That's absolutely ridiculous! Why in the hell would you think something like that? Baby, you're so wrong. I love you and so many others do too. What's going on with you?" Phil said and took a better hold of Dan.

"Yhm, I love you too Phil. So much. That's why I want you to be happy and you would be happier without me messing things up."

"No! That would make me the saddest person on Earth if I didn't have you! And having you, it just makes me happier than I could ever be. Never think anything else", Phil said sounding very genuine. Then he gave a deep kiss to Dan that lasted as long as they both had breath in their lungs.

Phil kept him close as the night crawled upon them and Dan's sobs and whimpers finally started to quiet down to nothing.

"I wish you could see yourself like I see you", Phil whispered.

"Me too. Maybe then things would be as bad as they are now", Dan said back.

"But I think they are actually pretty good now, aren't they? I've got you and you've got me, and we have this bed under our bodies", Phil tried to say in a sing song voice the rest and that made Dan laugh.

"Yes, I guess so", Dan said with a little smile playing on his lips as well as Phil's. So they tucked in under the blankets and slept the rest of the night in peace.

* * *

><p>I guess reviews don't feed me. It's just that I can only write when I have time. And time is money, though I don't get any money from doing this. Ah, anyway I mean that I just have to go now and I'll do another chapter when I have time and life stops being so cruel to me.<p> 


	11. Chapter 11

"Ice cream?"

Dan looked at Phil pointedly. "Okay then", Phil said to no one in particular and turned around, still wanting to have some ice cream himself. He scooped two balls of vanilla ice cream in his bowl and dribbled on some chocolate sauce and sprinkles, deciding to get fancy with it.

Dan was lying on the sofa fully and stared at the television with a blank expression. As Phil laid behind him to cuddle Dan from the back, he wondered what was up with Dan.

"Are you okay, Dan?" he asked worriedly. Dan was getting tired of that tone that everyone seemed to use with him now days. Though he had to understand it, because he did make a reason for them to use it. However they still could hide it a bit better, when they tried to seem happy for others even when he was in the company.

"I'm fine, Phil. You shouldn't worry about me all the time. It's not good for your health. I'm just thinking about stuff", Dan told him nonchalantly.

"What are you thinking about then?" Phil kept on asking him. He stroked Dan's left side with his free hand while trying to eat his dessert that was put on the armrest.

Dan sighed heavily and closed his eyes for a moment and rubbing his hands over them. "I'm thinking about us. Nothing to worry about, but what are we going to tell the others? I mean our friends and family know now, but should we tell the viewers?" Dan muttered worriedly.

"Oh... Well, I'm not sure either. The whole internet might explode if we do."

Dan turned around in Phil's embrace so that his back laid against the cushions and he could see Phil better.

"I know. But now that we're keeping it from them and I kind of feel bad about that. It just feel like something they should be told about, because they want to know for sure. Still I want to keep it between us as a secret", Dan said. It has already been a secret to them for months now. A few weeks ago they had only told their families and close friends.

"I think the same. Well, let's keep it like this for some time longer until we feel comfortable about revealing it to the fans, or not. I think it'll just happen if it's meant to happen. No need to rush or feel bad, this is just between us and we shall be the ones only who decide of what we want to tell or not."

"You're right. Thanks, Phil", Dan thanked him for making him more relaxed. "No problem, hun", Phil said with a laugh and gave a kiss on Dan's nose.

* * *

><p>Phil heard the beautiful piano sounds and tunes coming from Dan's room. Phil walked in to see Dan playing the old piano looking very concentrated and beautiful. The song played incredible and hauntingly by Dan and the whole house swayed with the emotion coming from the music.<p>

When the song came to an ending Phil remarked that Dan had learned finally the entire song: Ingénue by Thom Yorke.

Phil came behind Dan and wrapped his arms around the younger boy's neck. "That was amazing", he commented. Dan just chuckled the compliment off like he didn't believe it, like he didn't. Phil would have said otherwise something about it, but he knew that Dan was too stubborn to think differently of his compliments. He just satisfied himself from that sad truth by kissing Dan again.

Dan leaned his head back so he could answer the kiss better and then opened his mouth a little, inviting Phil in for a deeper kiss. Phil bit slightly on Dan's lip and then letting his tongue explore Dan.

A soft moan of a whimper escaped from him and Phil cupped Dan's face gently in his hands like it was fragile like glass. Phil smiled at him and gave a little laugh. "You're endearing", he said.

"Hey, you can't quit now!" Dan said and attacked Phil's lips again, smashing them together. That only made Phil laugh even more, but after a while he hugged Dan tighter and they started kissing more passionately now.

Slowly Dan was standing up and Phil lifted him to the bed. "Would you...? Ah... Dan", Phil began moaning as well and was pinned beneath Dan's light weight. His lips went to Phil's neck where he gave light kisses there and there. Phil now had the time to take air and ask Dan.

"Dan, would you like to go further tonight?" he asked after their making-out kept going longer and further than before.

Dan lifted his head from Phil's chest. He had a terrified expression on his face though he tried to hide it. So no...

"We don't have to", Phil was quick to say and sat up a little. He tried to calm the situation a bit and slow it down. He was already aroused from all the touching and kissing so he might also need a shower.

"No, no, it's just...", Dan said because he saw that Phil felt awkward and a little ashamed about himself now. He had clearly misunderstood his response.

"I'm just feeling a bit self-conscious", he told in a quiet voice and put his gaze down onto the bed. He was now sitting in front of Phil and started to curl into a fetal position and look small so Phil might took pity in him and wouldn't make him feel anymore bad about himself than he did already. Of course he knew that Phil would never say anything bad about anyone, he was way too good and pure for that. It was just the illness doing the talking, because it was the one that made him so insecure in the first place. Though he always had been shy and reserved.

"It's alright, baby. You have nothing to be insecure about. You're absolutely perfect, honestly. But if you're not ready, I can wait of course. I'd do anything for you", Phil said to Dan sweetly and caressed his cheekbone. Dan smiled against his touch and looked down slightly embarrassed. "I'd do anything for you too. I love you", he whispered back. Then he looked at Phil's handsome face behind his dark, long lashes and when Phil came to kiss him all over again, they fluttered closed and he let himself fall backwards as Phil came on top of him.

* * *

><p>Again, just a quick chappie.<p> 


	12. Chapter 12

"Your fans will be disappointed, Dan", Phil said with a disapproving tone in his voice. He turned to make some hot chocolate, but kept his gaze on Dan who was worrying by the bar.

"Would you please stop calling them _fans _as they aren't my _fans, _but just viewers. I'm not like some actor or a singer who has fans. And, I just can't. I cannot do a liveshow now. Everyone will just keep asking about my well-being or something. What am I supposed to say? The_cameras _are lying. I don't look like this in real life? I have just switched the camera and it makes me look sick or whatever they are calling me now?" Dan muttered and rested his head in his hands.

"But it would be great way to sort things out with them. Maybe you could tell them the truth?" Phil suggested and put the milk in the microwave.

"What truth?"

"That you're anorexic", Phil said like it was obvious. Which it practically was, however it wasn't for Dan. He didn't think like that at all.

"What?! I am not! What the hell are you talking about, Phil?" Dan jumped from his barstool and glared at Phil.

"Calm down, dear. It's okay, it's alright", Phil realised that now really wasn't the proper time to talk about Dan's illness as it seemed that he wasn't accepting it yet. Well, they hadn't actually talked about it before either, so Phil shouldn't have expected anything like that, but he still thought that Dan was somehow, even a little bit aware that he might have an eating disorder.

"Wh-what? I-I really don't u-understand what you're saying..." Dan said in snatches like Kristen Stewart as Bella. Phil came closer and wrapped the confused and overwhelmed Dan in his arms protectively. Dan was starting to figure out now what Phil and the others were thinking of him. They all thought he was sick with anorexia. But that wasn't true! He was just dieting, nothing else.

"Shus... It's alright, Dan", Phil said softly while rubbing Dan's back, knowing fully well that the sharp edges he felt under his palms were Dan's back bones that jutted out way too distinguishably.

And it felt _so __good..._

And that was so_ wrong. _

Phil detached himself from Dan as he had calmed down enough, but kept his hands on Dan's shoulders. He looked down in the shining brown orbs and gave the cherry red lips a deep kiss.

"It's going to be alright. I promise. You don't have to answer them Dan. Distract them with other subjects. You would make them so happy after all this time you have spent away from them. They deserve it. And so do you. I know you will be much happier when you can make other people happy. If you want, I can join you, but I think they want just you for a moment. Okay, Dan? Would you do that?"

Dan bit his lips and lowered his eyes to the floor. A beeping sound broke the moment and Dan stated: "You're milk is done."

Phil went to get it and put the mug onto the counter and started putting the chocolate powder into it and mix it in, when he saw that Dan wasn't going to say anything else for now.

"Okay", he said suddenly after Phil had already lost his hope and was taking his drink to the lounge. He startled and turned around to see Dan still standing in the middle of the kitchen in the same position stiffly, looking a bit insecure. He looked behind his shoulder at Phil and gave him a little smile.

"I'll do it."

"Good", Phil said with a wide smile of his own. He knew that this could be really good for Dan. And his fans. Because that's what most of them were. Even if he was no real superstar like some singer and actors were, he still got people who admired him for being so awesome. I think those people could be called fans, when they also screamed whenever they saw him walking past them.

Phil was his biggest fan definitely then if that would be the definition for a fan. Because even when he knew some little flaws that Dan had, after-all everyone does have them, he still admired him and cared about him like no other did and saw his imperfections as perfect. Because they were also the things that made Dan, the person Phil loved. Sure, maybe he didn't scream at Dan, but he would if he didn't need to just speak to him in a normal volume of voice to get his attention. And if that wouldn't work, he would attack him with a hug, or he would kiss him, or straddle him, or do something else...

Phil opened his computer again, staying by the bar table in their kitchen to give some privacy for Dan and his _fans. _He was pretty amazed how Dan had no idea that he could have an eating disorder. I mean c'mon, he had all the symptoms. He must know about anorexia too, so it's not like he was uneducated and he wouldn't even know there was a possibility to have such a disorder.

He wasn't just accepting it at all.

Phil hope he had now opened Dan's eyes a little bit. Gave him something more to think and consider about his situation.

Phil went to his Twitter page, it was full of Dan's worrying fans, asking Phil about how Dan was. Phil wasn't sure what to say really. Should he perhaps announce that Dan was having a liveshow, and who knows, maybe he will give his fans some info about it.

He decided against it. It would just pressure Dan even more if he decided that he wouldn't say anything about it, but people would be just pushing and pushing with the questions still. He just retweeted Dan's own announcement of his liveshow, knowing full well that some of his own watchers would like to see it too.

Phil searched more information about the illness Dan was probably suffering of, and looked up some advices on how to deal with it and how to help if there was a sufferer in your family or something. He realised he was doing quite badly, when he was letting Dan be this way and not help him get any better other than just not lose any more of his weight. But Phil didn't want to change Dan now and Dan might not want that as well. Of course Phil would do anything to make Dan happy, but wouldn't he be happy when he would see how skinny he is like he wanted to be in the start?

Phil shook his head, disappointed and almost disgusted by himself. He must be sick himself. He was staring at some pictures of skinny guys that came with the search results of images.

Why did he find them attractive? What the hell was wrong with him? That wasn't healthy. This wasn't healthy. Was this some secret fetish of him or what? Phil closed the tabs quickly as he thought those things. He looked at the cup next to him on the table and sighed. Hot chocolate, more like cold chocolate.

He took the drink to the sink and washed it, to put it back in the cupboard. Then he shut his laptop of when he was done writing a new script or an idea for a video of his. He glanced at the black clock on the wall in front of him and noticed that Dan had been doing his liveshow now at least forty five minutes which was good. Maybe he should join him now as they usually did.

He walked into the lounge. Dan was sitting on the couch indian style and had the computer on the other side of the couch. He was clutching a pillow with an image of space to his chest. He looked somewhat unsure about something while he was reading the chat and was biting his lip that the skin was almost going to break. Phil quickly sat behind Dan and draped his arms over Dan's shoulders and then let them wound themselves around him entirely to press Dan's small form against himself.

He didn't realise what he had done before it was too late. He had been so busy worrying about Dan that he had went automatically to comfort him in the best way he knew to handle his boyfriend.

Now Dan laid shocked and and still as an icicle in Phil's arms who kept holding his to his chest in a very possessive and more-than-just-friends-way.

The chat was breaking with people going "OMG" and "PHAN IS REAL", and Dan's eyes were as big and wide as an any anime character's and his lips parted with unvoiced yelp.

Phil couldn't move, neither could Dan, but their both minds were racing and competing against each others'. Could they undone what had been done? Could they make a joke about it? Could it just be played of as a prank?

No, not anymore. They had been quiet for way too long for it to go off as a joke or a prank. This was real and no one could undo what had just happened.

They were out. Out in the open with nothing more than shocked impressions covering their faces.

They weren't supposed go and tell people about them. Now or ever. They wanted to keep it between the two of them.

Well, it wasn't going to be like that anymore.

"Phil", Dan breathed out finally with a shaky laugh while he tried to get up from Phil's strong hold of him. "We were just talking about, uh... What were we talking... Yeah, the, the, um... Alt-J's music. Wha-what do you think, um, about their music? I-I really love 'Hunger of the Pine'..." Dan stammered and rambled. He could have gone as long as he could stay awake not to have to answer everyone who were losing their shit in the chat, because of what had just happened.

Phil let go of Dan a little, but after Dan's long talk, he decided that they should get just over it. This was now how it was. They were obviously out and now they could act how ever they wanted with each other in front of their fans. It didn't matter now.

So he rested his chin on Dan's shoulder and sneaked his arms around Dan's waist. Which shocked Dan all over again and made him look behind him at Phil. Though all he saw was the jet black hair next to his neck and he felt the soft, warm and calm breaths on his skin, and the protective arms holding him in his place.

The cold shivers inside of him melted away and the razorblades stabbing against his lungs went away.

They were okay. He was okay. Phil was there. All relaxed and calm, so it must be alright then.

Dan wasn't going to ruin it now. Not this one, not now. Not by doing something very stupid to keep people's eyes off of them. They can keep on going whether or not people liked this or not. It didn't matter as long as Phil was there, being okay, with Dan.

And so Dan turned his brown gaze back to the screen where all the fans were, smiled and put his arms on top of Phil's around him.

"I like you", Phil answered suddenly. To Dan's question and also as a confirmation to anyone who didn't understand that this actually did mean what it seemed to mean. He and Dan were together.

And Dan smiled brightly for the first time in months. Because suddenly, with that little sentence, Phil had swept away all the bad things running through his mind lately, making everything ache and messy. It was all gone, just like that. No worries.

No matter how many times Phil would say he loved Dan or kissed him or hugged him, this has been the best and most genuine moment they had shared now that they had been together.

It was so strange. And so very beautiful.

Dan would be forever grateful for whatever had given him this chance to have his tiny, short moment of utter peaceness and happiness. And that would be Phil.


	13. Chapter 13

Btw if anyone had misunderstood this situation, I'll make it clear now: This is no way to treat anorexia or any eating disorder. Phil is just a little messed up in this fic. Also if you feel like you want to talk about anything with me, you do that. Private Message me about anything if you feel like this is giving you any triggers or something like that. I'll answer you as soon as I can. But understand that this is really no way to treat this disorder like Phil is doing. It's unhealthy and dangerous. Get more information about the right treatment from doctors or some formal doctor journals from the web. They usually have it right.

* * *

><p>There was a shitstorm going on in the internets and even in real life for some people, to put it bluntly like Dan usually did. Phil was laughing them off, but all Dan could do was sit still timidly and try hard not to freak about it. But he couldn't. He was stressing over what should they do now. Should they act like a couple when they did a video together? Should they act like they always did, act like just good buddies? Should they do a video about them being a couple? Should they not?<p>

What should they do now?!

"Phiiil!" Dan whined dragging out the "i". He sat in his room which seemed to require better light bulbs or something, because he could never get it much lighter from a dimly lit room. He had his head in his hands and was pulling his brown hair all the way from the roots.

Phil rushed to Dan room, stopping his recycling that he had been doing a moment ago. He went straight to Dan's side and pulled him into his embrace. He held him securely to his chest. Dan's hands gripped Phil's purple shirt tightly and he curled his legs on top of Phil's

Phil had expected nothing less, to be honest. He knew this might happen. As much as he had hoped that Dan could just brush off everything that was going on, what people were thinking about them, he knew Dan couldn't.

Sometimes he wondered if Dan might have an anxiety disorder.

Or maybe it was just the stress that was brought on him with an extra layer with his illness.

Phil swayed them a little, side to side, and stroked Dan's back and giving short kisses to his head.

"What is it?" Phil asked after a while, when Dan started to relax and stopped shivering.

"I-I don't know... I'm j-just nervous", Dan stammered and pushed him even more against his lovely boyfriend.

"I know that you are. And why", Phil revealed.

"You shouldn't need to be. Everything is going to be alright. We don't need to be bothered by anything anyone is saying about us. You know that too. We love each other, that's all there is to it. We will do what we want. We don't need anyone to pressure us to do anything and need nobody's consent. You have to understand that, Bear. We can be whoever we want to be."

Dan hadn't heard his nickname coming from Phil's mouth in a long time and now it sent pleasure shivers down his spine. He listened carefully to Phil's calm breaths as he thought through what he had said.

He nodded slightly to Phil's chest with a hum. "You could be right."

"I am. Now, we should have some lunch", Phil said after a while and took a little distance to see Dan better. "Okay. I'll start shooting then", Dan said casually and bounced off the bed and went to get his script and camera.

"Um, I said _we. _You know what that means? It means _you_ and _me. _So, what I meant is that we both go to have lunch. You need to eat too", Phil insisted strongly.

"Phil, you said that I don't have to do that. That I don't need to change", Dan said with his back turned to his intimidating boyfriend. Phil was like that when they got to talking about these things and such. It made Dan almost shrivel into a little ball. He felt a little betrayed now, but he couldn't start a fight now, when Phil had been so good to him. He knew that Phil did this because he loved him. All the caresses he got after all the commands that were hard for him proved that.

"I said that you can stay at this weight you have now or of course get better, but you can't lose any more. And if you keep _starving _yourself, you will. And if that happens, you'll be in too deep. You will have to go to hospital then. Do you understand? You're on the edge of hospitalization and staying alive. Anyway, the way your food diet is, even if you did eat some, it would probably just go through you. You wouldn't gain anything, even though you should. All the energy would go into just keep your heart bumping. I love that heart and I need it to stay alive and well. And it's not good right now."

Phil came behind Dan and wrapped his arms around the tiny form. "Do you understand? Because you need to."

Dan's brown eyes stared intensely to one of the corners of his bedroom where a big pillow was lying on the floor. On top of it was his teddy bear which he had been, or his mother to be exact, was given when Dan was born. Dan stepped out of Phil's embrace to get it and hugged it to his chest and closed his eyes, and resting his chin on the teddy's head.

Phil watched the scene in front of him with sad eyes. "Bear?" he called and Dan turned around to face Phil. "The teddy's coming with me if we have lunch", he murmured and hugged the teddy bear tighter.

"Sure." Phil smiled a little and put his hand on Dan's lower back fondly as he walked closer to him to get to the kitchen. Dan sat down to the dinner table and let Phil prepare his lunch. He was shivering and grasping the teddy even tighter so that his knuckles turned white, when the food was ready and put in front of him.

It was tomato soup, thankfully. Nothing too heavy to start with. Phil put a loaf of brown bread between the dishes and looked at his bowl with a slightly disgusted look. He definitely didn't like soups, but he also thought it was better for Dan for the start.

Dan looked up to him with a grateful expression, and let his hold of the stuffed animal loosen as he relaxed a bit.

"Thank you", he added as well and then grabbed the spoon. Slowly he stirred to soup for a moment with a look of suspiciousness on Phil's face. Few minutes in, Dan still hadn't eaten anything while Phil was almost done with his meal and was already eating some of the bread.

"Dan", Phil said with a steady and a little disapproving voice. Dan looked up at him reluctance and dislike. "You have to eat. It's gonna be alright. We can watch the Hunger Games after this."

How ironic, Dan thought and the lifted a spoonful of the soup. Phil stared at him all the while as Dan swallowed it, then smiled encouragingly.

* * *

><p>They decided to weigh in Dan to which Phil would make the food plan for him. He would use his great counting skills and the all mighty computer to count the needed energy to keep Dan in his current weight and still stay kind of healthy.<p>

Once it was all done, all they had to do now was to follow the plan.

"Now you don't have to think about if it will be alright to eat anything when it all reads here. You can stay like this if you want. But I won't let you get any thinner or it's the hospital for you", Phil said to Dan as they looked at the finish task.

"But how could they take me in for anorexia if I still look like this or a bit thinner? I don't look like a very convincing anorexic, do I, so your _threats _are just going to waste, 'cause..." Dan said with furrowed brows, but Phil stopped him there. "Remember Dan, you _are _anorexic, so you got your self-image skewed. You obviously don't see yourself clearly if you can't see what a flower stick you are. Not that there's anything wrong with looking like that, you look beautiful, just that it's unhealthy."

"Maybe it's you who just has it wrong. Maybe it's you who's eyes are lying", Dan muttered to his chest. Phil pushed him over to the couch and sat them there.

"What about all the people who are commenting on your videos about how concerned they are about how skinny you look? And PJ and Chris, you know they see it all too? Not all of us could have bad eyesight", Phil retorted.

Dan turned his gaze to Phil's light blue eyes of innocence. "Maybe it's just the new jeans that make me look a little thinner or..." Dan was constantly trying to deny the facts with even the most stupid answers he made up. "... the editing, or the lightning or something..."

"You know that you are just making things up. Those possibly can't be real reasons. Dan you just have to accept what is. It's the first step to recovery."

Dan would say that there was nothing for him to recover from, but it would just be denying of the disorder all over again. So he just shut it and settled for giving Phil a roll of his eyes.

"Jennifer Lawrence is the best archer, I know", he said as he watched at the film playing in the television after a comfortable silence.

"I bet you know a lot of archers", Phil laughed and patted Dan's shoulder as his arm was resting around Dan's shoulders. The younger boy nuzzled himself even closer to the love of his companion now that everything felt much more relaxed and easy. He laughed and let Phil keep on telling his childish like jokes about the movie.

Dan tucked a blanket near them to serve some more warmth as he felt always so very cold, even with Phil's body heat right there next to him. Phil noticed this with sorrow, because the radiator in their apartment was basically already on full blast and he would have rather worn shorts, because it was some warm in there. Dan would need to get his nutrients fast if he wanted to be normal and have his own body heat to warm him up.

Though Phil definitely didn't mind being so close to Dan like this as the boy was simply sitting on his lap now which he usually would not do normally. So Phil would enjoy that aspect of it at least.

* * *

><p>This chapter was basic crap, so I'm sorry.<p> 


	14. Chapter 14

I noticed that you people seem to like steam trains. I promise you, they will come. Just not yet.

By the way, I don't know when you use commas in English text as it ain't my mother language, so I'm probably using them wrong and I just use them with how I feel like they could go. I hope you don't mind that. Anyway, I'm most probably making a ton of mistakes.

* * *

><p>Dan thought that he could go for a run that evening, seeing as he ate today. He wasn't so sure if he wanted to exercise to burn the calories, even though he had a new diet plan that didn't really require him to do so, or just because he wanted to. Because that is what happens when you start exercising like crazy. You kind of get addicted to it. Especially if you got anorexia.<p>

However Phil said that he couldn't go. If he did, he would need to eat more. Dan could not even think about eating anything more that night, so he opted to stay home.

Phil dragged Dan to his room, because he thought that they should already go to bed. After a quick shower, they were under the covers and comfortable. It was eleven pm which would be an early bedtime for Dan so he had some trouble to fall asleep. Phil was already fast asleep and snoring quietly beside Dan and hugging him to his chest. That seemed to be the common and dominant canoodle they did now days.

And it was a nice one.

And only after Dan had got over his self-destructive, thoughtful and deep thoughts about the universe and his entire existence, he could fall asleep as he realised even if everything was as horrible as he saw them, Phil was still there beside him.

* * *

><p>"Wake up, Bear", Phil softly said. Dan stirred with eyes full of sleepy dizziness. He noticed how he was clutching his teddy bear. Phil was behind him and got his other arm draped over Dan's waist. Dan laid himself onto his back to get a better look at Phil. His black hair was a mess on top of his head and face. Dan smiled fondly at the cute sight beholden to him. Phil gave Dan a chaste kiss on the lips.<p>

"We've got the radio show today", Phil reminded and gently pet his lovely Dan. Neither one of them wanted to get up, but they had to if they wanted to get their bills paid and a roof over their heads. "Time to get ready."

Dan nodded slowly, but closed his eyes. Phil laughed lightly at this and picked up the tired boyfriend of his as he got up from the bed. Once again Dan was in Phil arms, but this time he had no reluctance towards the act. He couldn't bother getting up yet even though he was cold yet again as the cool breeze in the room hit him. Under the blankets was so warm and comfy that this felt like Hell to him.

"What do you want to wear today?" Phil asked Dan as he looked at his closet full of a clothes thrown in messy piles. They were fresh and clean still. Just not put in order.

Dan didn't answer him and instead nuzzled his head better on Phil's warm chest. He smelled so nice, a thought popped into Dan's head and he grinned sheepishly to himself.

"No clothes, huh? As pretty as you are, I think the producers still want us to wear some clothes. And you can't just wear your pjs." Phil decided to let Dan lay on the bed as he looked through his closet to get some appropriate clothes for him to wear today. He eventually found the new pair of black jeans that he threw at Dan. Also some socks, but he didn't bother with trying to find the right match for the pair. And as Phil like space, he threw the galaxy sweater for Dan who lazily started putting them on. He didn't even open his eyes as he did so.

Phil shook his head at him with a smirk on his lips. He decided to help him a little. Dan already had his jeans and socks on, and of course his underwear. Phil helped him to get the white t-shirt off of him that almost seemed to offend Dan as it didn't come off as easily as he hoped.

Phil stared at the naked torso in front of him in daze. Dan still got his eyes closed so he didn't see the utter amazement on Phil's face. He had completely forgot about that he even had his top of. He was just looking for his sweater now on the bed. After a while Phil realised to help him and got the sweater and put it on Dan. Then he kneeled down and cupped Dan's cheeks in his hands. He gave a slow and deep kiss to Dan. He was surprised by this and all the emotion that was poured into it, but he melted quickly into it and their temples rested against each other.

* * *

><p>On the tube they held hands the entire time. Both quiet and comfortable with the silence. People didn't give them any glares or anything like that, which quite amazed Dan. He thought that he would at least get two or three.<p>

At work they could not act as a couple would just because it was work policy to put it simply. Especially as they were live on the radio and on a video for Youtube.

Even though not all of the people knew that Dan and Phil were together now, they were still getting new looks from people. Or at least Dan was. About his new figure.

That was _uncomfortable. _It almost made Dan want to get out of there and escape to his home. But he couldn't. He had a show to deliver. And Phil was still there. And isn't home where heart is?

So he stayed, but the turning in his stomach made it difficult just to be, not to mention also to talk casually and be social for hours.

But when they got to their studio room and things were getting too much for him, Phil would take his hand under the counter and grip it tightly, looking into his eyes and calm him.

* * *

><p>Christmas is close. Only a week ahead. Presents have been bought and workload is getting easier and lesser. At least that's how it's in the Lester-Howell house. All the other craziness is outside of their warm cocoon. And they don't have to leave their house now that everything was done and they could just relax in each other's arms.<p>

Dan had filmed his video, edited and uploaded it to his channel. He hoped that this time people wouldn't just keep mentioning about his image and rather saying something about the subject on hand.

Phil had filmed a christmas baking video with Dan for his own channel. They had made gingerbread biscuits which were delicious. Well, in Phil's opinion. Dan only tasted so little, and only for the video, that he could barely even get any flavours out of the biscuit.

Another thing about it was how grateful Dan was that Phil now did all the editing for their collab videos. That was because Dan wasn't sure how to act around Phil when the camera was rolling. He never touched Phil on his own, but Phil did touch him still. So if he did the editing, he wouldn't be sure what should be left and what not. Can they show some PDA or would that be wrong? Dan was so confused and scared by all of it, so he let Phil be in charge of that.

They had put up a christmas tree also. It was covered with ornaments and a silver tinsel running around it. Yellow, little lights lit up the lounge. And with the fireplace on, everything looked like from a christmas card. Well, from a nerdy christmas card. They had so much "dorky" things and adornments in their room that it definitely wasn't the typical looking flat. Top it off with an old looking chandelier and other old decor that the last flat owner had left there. But it was cozy, exciting and interesting. It was _them. _

Dan had bought a box of chocolates for Phil, who was now munching them away while doing his liveshow. Dan sat quietly by the fireplace and read a new book he had got from the library. Yes, he did go to library and didn't constantly sit on the internet as most of his "fans" viewed him as. Though that was what Dan represented himself as for them, so how could they really know what went on when the cameras were off.

_-Where's Dan?_

"Where's Dan? Oh, his right here actually. He's reading... What are you reading?" Phil answered the chat question, but he couldn't see the title of the book. He turned the laptop so that the web-camera showed Dan next to the fireplace, curled in a brown, furry blanket with his book in his hands. He didn't expect to be on the liveshow at all this time so he had gotten very engrossed with his book, and now he was slightly taken aback and confused, when he was supposed to say something.

"Uh, it's um... _Eat The Rich. _I don't know if you have ever heard of it, but it's quite good. I recommend reading it", he finally got out and tucked on the blanket to cover himself better.

"I've never heard of it. You always read such weird books", Phil joked and laughed. "No, I don't. So I read more than you, that just makes me more intellectual than you", Dan said back with a small smirk.

"I read too", Phil said with a huff, though he wasn't actually offended at all by Dan's words. He turned the laptop to it's original place and began reading the chat again. Now it was full of suggestions of him and Dan making out, kissing or just being close to each other. Phil shook his head at the chat with a goofy grin.

"Now, now people. Me and Dan aren't going to film us kissing", Phil said, but then glanced at Dan. "Or are we?"

"No!" A strong no came from Dan and small laughter later.

_-So you two are really together now? Is it true? _

"Me and Dan are together. I don't think there's any reason to deny it really. Everyone basically already knows", Phil said with a shrug and a smile.

_-Was the "Valentines video" then real? _

"The Valentines video? No, it wasn't. I'm sorry. Me and Dan weren't together at that time. We were merely close friends being imbeciles to you. It was a joke. Though I think I already liked you at the time. I just didn't realise it", Phil told and looked at Dan at the end how lifted his gaze to look back into Phil's blue eyes.

_-When did you become a pair?_

"We didn't get together a long ago really. Maybe a month ago? God, that so little time. But we've been living together for like five years already, so I think that this isn't something that is going to end just like that. I like to think we've been together all this time, but only now have realised that we had feelings for each other."

What Phil had not realised how much he had told already to the thousands of people watching him (and Dan). Dan did. He hadn't heard these things coming from Phil's mouth before and now he was spilling them out in front of all these strangers.

But to be honest, he actually didn't mind about that. For once. He was so concentrated on Phil and how he looked at him, and Dan was completely mesmerized by it all.

_-That's so sweet! _

_-You're too cute!_

_-Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!_

_-Will you get married? Have kids and stuff?_

Phil laughed at the questions. "I think we're a little too young to have kids or even marry. Even if we have been together for five years, we need more time to be romantically involved, because now it has been only a month."

"Phil! That's not good to say on the internet!" A shout came from Dan. Phil only then realised what he had said and laughed at himself throwing his head back.

"Oh God! Okay, okay, let's stop this. So, uh, let's talk about the new season of American Horror Story. I'm not that into it yet, 'cause it's so scary and freaky, but it's really interesting still."

And so the liveshow went on. Dan read silently in the corner, satisfied to just listen to Phil ramble on about normal things and sometimes very weird things too. Everything was so nice and calm that he couldn't believe he could have ever been this happy as he was now. Of course, things were entirely perfect, but they never were, but he was definitely feeling much better than he had ever before. And he would give all the thanks to Phil for that.


	15. Chapter 15

"Merry Christmas Dan!"

Phil wrapped his arms around Dan tightly who giggled into his chest, amused by how this childlike excitement had filled his boyfriend. "You too", he said back still laughing as he folded himself around Phil as well.

The boys were cuddling under their Christmas tree, kissing and talking.. The elder was running his fingers through the soft, brown locks with a smile playing on his lips. Dan's lovely hair had gotten longer, much like how it was in 2011. Phil brushed aside the quite long fringe to see more of that pretty, serene expression on Dan's even prettier face. He was so happy that Dan was being his sweet self tonight again, not depressed and sad as most of the time nowadays.

A soft piano playing was heard from their laptop. Dan hummed with the song as he laid in Phil's warm lap, feeling himself protected and loved. Phil personally didn't recognize the song, but he was delighted that Dan did know. For whatever reason that was.

"Wouldn't you like to open my present now?" Phil asked looking down at Dan with rose brows. Dan's eyes glistened with the blue lights of the tree and sparkled with happiness.

"Okay", he answered and sat up a little bit, so Phil could give him his present. "Thank you, Phil. You didn't have to get me anything though", he said to him as he started unwrapping the small, red present carefully.

"I know, but of course I wanted to get you something still. If I could, I would buy you a gift everyday for the rest of my life. But I know that you wouldn't like that."

Dan smiled at that. He got the wrapping paper off and beneath it revealed a silver box. He opened the lid to see a very, very cool bracelet that had small pictures of hamsters, kittens, his family's dog, his favourite bands' logos and places they had visited. And of course a picture of Phil.

"This amazing Phil. Just like you. Thank you so much", Dan said, his voice full of emotion and appreciation. He leaned in and gave Phil a deep kiss.

"Put it on", Phil said with a smirk and watched as Dan put it on his small wrist. Dan then looked up at Phil with a beautiful smile playing on his rosy lips.

"Now open mine!" he said then and gave Phil his gift for him. "Here you go. I hope you like it. It's not as great as what you gave me. But I made it myself too. I put my heart and soul to it!"

Phil didn't bother to correct Dan about his expression towards his present, but he would do it afterwards. He opened his gift with excitement and then marvelled what it held inside.

"This is too much, Dan. Oh, my! This is so beautiful!" Phil exclaimed. He looked at the crafted book that was filled with photos and lovely moments they had shared in their time. Everything had something scribbled underneath the pictures by Dan and he had also made some funny and endearing doodles here and there.

Phil went through the book slowly and found that there was more pages to be filled. For their future. Suddenly that made Phil very emotional. The fact that Dan believed that there was a future for them meant so much to Phil, because he had had this awful thought that some day Dan just might leave him. In one way or another.

"Thank you so much. So, so much. This is incredible, Dan. I love you so, so, very much", Phil murmured, the rest of his speech becoming a jumbled mess as he reached out for Dan, pulled him close and tight to his chest, kissing him with so much passion he didn't know was even possible.

"I love you too", Dan said between kisses as he could catch some breath. Phil laid them down onto the ground, Dan beneath him leaving soft whimpers behind the kisses.

They rolled on the floor, desperate touches and loving, passionate kisses. "Dan", Phil moaned. His hands had wandered under Dan's black sweater. Feeling out how good, silky smooth Dan's pale skin and the protruding, strong, but thin bones under it.

"Mmmph", Dan groaned at the touches, his eyes closed. Phil nipped at Dan's sensitive neck which Dan gave him a better access to, when he turned his head to rest his cheek on the soft carpet. He loved having Phil's hands roam around his body.

But then it hit him. Phil was feeling his body! Instant dread, anxiety and just insecureness hit him like a ton of bricks, weighing him down to the bottom of a black ocean. His low self-esteem couldn't handle this situation, and also having the addition of his illness which made him absolutely feel worthless, ugly and terrible about his body and himself.

"Uh, Phil... Phil. Phil!" he almost had to yell, because Phil had been so into making out with him, he didn't hear him. He quickly lifted his gaze to see Dan's fearsome eyes. He immediately got up, not wanting to assault his boyfriend in any means. "What? What's wrong, Dan? Did I hurt you?" he asked concernedly, moving his hands on Dan's upper arms, helping him to sit.

"Ah, I'm fine. Sorry, I just... I don't..." In the end Dan just gave a heavy sigh, showing frustration he had towards himself. He casted his gaze down to the floor in embarrassment. "What is it, Dan? Don't worry, we don't need to go any further", Phil tried to comfort him and stroked Dan's hair from dishevelment.

"No! I know that. I know, I know. I'm just, oh God. I'm sorry I'm like this. This is getting out of hand", Dan mumbled hiding his face in his hands. Phil could only watch at him in confusion and worry, not knowing what to do.

"Please, Dan. Tell me what's wrong?"

Slowly Dan let his hands fall down to his lap and he looked at Phil, seeming to be sorry for whatever he was about so tell him.

"I can't have you touch me", Dan whispered after a few moments of silence. Phil just kept staring at him, slowly the truth falling upon him and saddening him to no end. Dan saw this as disappointment to him and felt awful for saying such. He should have just went with it and forget about himself. But maybe that would have just made Phil see how messed up he really was, how ugly he was. Then again, Phil would leave him if he saw what Dan looked like. Phil would never want him if he saw him. But he might leave him, because he had been so harsh to him. Just being himself, disgusting and hurtful.

"You don't want me to touch you?" Phil repeated the words with a shaky voice. Tears bothering his throat. "Why?" his voice asked even more brokenly. Dan could not bear that.

"I want you to touch me. But I can't let you. Something is stopping me. I'm afraid that you don't like what you see in me..." Dan whispered and looked at Phil's face with eyes that glistened with unshed tears.

Phil almost let go a sigh of relief escape his mouth as he heard Dan say those words. "Oh, Dan..." he said with a sad, small smile on his lips. He instantly pulled Dan into his lap and hugged him out of breath.

"Oh, my sweet little Dan", he said with his eyes closed and he could breath in and out again. "I was a bit afraid that you were going to leave me there. Oh my... God, Dan! You can't say stuff like that! It's not okay! I absolutely love you and nothing could ever change that! Never ever! And definitely your body which of course I love as well, not matter what it's like, because it's a part of you."

Dan sat still in the warm, soft, safe arms of his love, confused but relieved. "You...? But, you haven't seen me, you can't know..." he mumbled.

"I've seen you, Dan and I love every bit of it. Now stop saying things like that to me. It's all in your own head. You're the prettiest thing in the world", Phil said to him.

"I can't believe that", Dan said into his broad chest and closed his eyes as well.

"Let me make you believe it. Can you let me do that for you?" Phil asked and pulled apart to see Dan better, who then opened his starry eyes once again. He looked so adorable and innocent.

"Will you let me make you see?"

Dan wasn't sure. He wanted to do that for Phil, but Phil had wanted to do it for him. So should he do it? He didn't like when people complimented him or did anything in that sort of thing to him. He thought for a moment in silence of the piano and their quiet breathing. Phil waited patiently in a hopeful way.

"Okay."

* * *

><p>Guys, here comes an important question. Do you want some smut in the next chapter, 'cause I got something thought ready. I've never tried anything like that really, so I'm don't know if it will be good, but would you like me to give it a shot still?<p> 


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